loosing grip
von Arwed
I’ve been struggling a lot lately. I’ve been struggling with depression and trauma and anxiety and adhd my whole life and most of it, I didn’t even realize. Being more aware really helps me understand what’s going on with my mind. At the same time, it’s letting emotions get out that were very well hidden in there. And I can‘t understand these emotions. All my life, I’ve been pushing and pushing and pushing. It’s such a great way to cope and even get credits for seemingly being a great and happy child/student/friend. Almost a year ago, coming from a great exchange year in Canada, as well as a somewhat messy breakup, all of my emotions were neatly stored in a little safe inside my mind. In the time since, this safe has been slowly breaking apart. It’s not the first time that happened in my life, but it sure is the first time I’m somewhat aware of the full effect it has on me. And don’t get me wrong, I’m happy sometimes. And I have great friends that I love. And I do cool things with my friends that I love. And my parents are great people. And I couldn’t think of a better environment to live in right now. If little depressed me looked at the me I’ve become, he’d say „wow, I love what you made out of me. I can’t wait to be this best version of myself. I can’t wait to be happy.“ I can’t blame him. I can’t blame anything, I can’t blame myself i don’t know what or who to blame for this and where to put all this rage so much rage that has accumulated over years and years of pure suppression i cant stand it anymore However, I will manage. In a reality, that seems like it’s slowly but surely slipping away from me. I will look at it, loosing it. And I will manage.
